DEBTS, LOVE, INSANITY

Dear My Darling,

My letter from a year ago came back to me yesterday.
It had some mud- the shoeprint of some size 45 Jordans
The heart I'd drawn under the subscription had some oil
And the seal had bubbles underneath

I take it you never got it
Must be the delivery company, yes?
'Cause that courier looked real suspicious
I asked him if the letter had been sent at all
He hesitated a while, and shook his head, no.
And then he gave me a look I might've mistakened for pity,
It mimicked pity.
I saw something in his eyes that must've been tears. 
He gave me a thorough glance-over, and he ran off.
Funny guy.

I talked to someone about you, my darling.
He was talking about his favorite color, red
I told him mine was orange.
I told him how much I loved when I looked in my closet and saw the bright orange clothes pop out.
I told him how much I loved the morning sun, in all its orange glory.

He asks me, "What about purple? I thought you really liked that."
Did I tell you, my darling, that this man here is who would send me handwritten notes and scented flowers in the university...before the heavens sent you my way.
He has twin girls with his wife now.

It takes a couple of minutes before I am drawn out of a trance from that first day
When I first said "hi"
When we got talking and you showed me your devotion to the colour orange
When you told me how you loved opening your closet to see the oranges pop out
When you went on and on about how much you love the morning, because all you saw when you looked up was orange
From that day, I decided that if the world ceased to have orange in it, I'd declare myself color-blind.

It takes a couple of minutes before I escape the trance
I giggle, before I tell him,
"Well, you know, I outgrew purple."
He has a look in his eyes that mimicked the courier's
I chortled.
He asked me, "Did he-Did he ever love you?"
In that moment, I could not decide if a sprizzle of the insecticide spray that was resting at the leg of the chair, in his coffee, would kill him faster than emptying all 2.5L of steaming water from the kettle in his face.

"Did you ever love me?" 
Never heard so much nonsense in a long while
Did he know about all those nights when you'd hold me in your arms, and talk for hours about the future, and how you'd name your children names from the Bible?
Did he know about all those beautiful tulips you'd send me when you would miss our date nights, because of the last-minute, late, job interviews?
Did he know about all those times you 'protected' me from 'large crowds' and 'nosy people' by having us order in, instead of going out to eat? 
Sitting there talking about "Did he ever love you?"

My darling, my love...it is bedtime here
They stick all those needles into our arms here when we don't go to bed
These nurses make it hard for a lover girl to 'lover-girl' properly.
I'd say I'll continue this letter in the morning, but I have to go find Maame in the next room, to hand this letter to her, to sneak it to her auntie, the matron. 
She'll help me find another courier service that won't open my letters, stain them with oil and step on them with size 45 Jordans
She'll help me find another courier service that won't take back my letters from you, and cover up for you, my darling.

I overheard one of the nurses say you and your wi- that girl- have a baby boy now. 
You named him Samuel.
Congratulations, my darling.
Congratulations.

Yours, along with all my sanity.
Yours, would-have-been.
And hoping against all hope that you have not forgotten about me,
Yours, Sefa💓