DEBTS, LOVE, DOSES

Dear My Darling,

Lately, I've been feeling an intense urge to ask, “How are you?”

So today, I picked up a pen, and I’m regretting it.

Now, instead of asking how you’re doing, and moving on with the rest of my life,

I find myself feeling a more intense urge to tell you about life on this other side;

This other side of love, of happiness, of sanity,

Indulge me, please.

The insomnia’s been acting up

Tsk…thought I had it under control, but ha!

What have I ever had under control?

I saw a therapist, my darling

The people at school,

They said I've been acting "weird"

One girl said I’ve been acting "damaged"
Can you believe these people!

Did you know therapists are nice people?

This one, her name’s Marjorie

She got candies in a jar; she got a really comfy sofa;

She got an air-conditioner that could preserve corpse; and a fancy lamp of several colours

She got a book shelf with sixty-three books; one of them, my novella

The one I wrote about you

The one I wrote when exhaustion to me, meant physical tiredness- not mental

The one I wrote from the side of life you find yourself now: of love, of happiness and of sanity.

The one I wrote when love meant you and me

I look away and chuckle in remembrance of some of the lines in that novella, and the fact that she’ll never know I authored that book.

She got dark gold curtains that hung from ceiling to floor; with walls painted coffee brown

And, she also got prying eyes and mind so deep

I asked her, "If I lied to you, would you know?"

"Try me."

Yes. She asked me to try her,

And so guess what I did, my darling

Told her I've been having trouble sleeping at night, because work’s been really beating my ass black and blue

Told her I've been juggling between work and culinary school

Told her my manager, Olivia, she's been traumatising me with the way she sneers at me when I get to work (I dunno what's wrong with that girl)

Told her I’m a really fun girl, and everybody knows it

Told her those students who said those things have never liked me since I moved to the school

Told her I don't have any friends where I live now, and my social life is non-existent

Told her, in a lot of words.

Didn't tell her the walls close in on me when I go home

Didn't tell her I got some pills from Eddie that taste like shaving cream, bleach and toothpaste, that used to help me sleep, but now…very useless pills, they’ve become.

Didn't tell her I got them because of you

Didn’t tell her you chose that girl

Didn't tell her you looked that girl in the eyes while you said to me, "I swear I've never loved anyone like her. I'm sorry"

Didn't tell her tomorrow, 9 p.m. makes it 207 days since you kissed my cheek and walked out with her

Didn't tell her how I cursed you and cursed that day, but apparently, karma works in reciprocity on this side: You're getting married tomorrow, to that girl, and I'm....you know, just here, eating candies and counting books in a stranger's office.

Didn't tell her I’ve been having nightmares, that's why I detest sleep so much

Didn't tell her my life’s been falling apart chunk by chunk, since you

Didn't tell her the meal I eat now, after a long day of being a fun girl, is a delightful combination of hard liquor and tears

Didn't tell her the day before you left, I walked by a bridal house, and did something stupid; didn't tell her I pictured the future you and I had spent six years perfecting, and credited the most expensive gown

Didn't tell her I was going to try it out for you that night you left

Didn't tell her the modiste won't take it back after I told her my husband-to-be travelled, and the wedding had been postponed

Didn't tell her all my allowances for the next forty-two months will be one of the prizes I’ll pay for my stupidity

Didn't tell her I met someone a month ago, who kissed my forehead everyday and showed me how I give him butterflies, but I hated him and pushed him away

Didn't tell her I saw a bottle of some pills on her desk, earlier, and because I have need for pills now than she does, I picked it up

I didn't tell her.

 

Did I tell you she got prying eyes and a deep mind?

I don’t know if it’s the trembling hands that gave it away,

I don’t know if it’s the dark circles under my eyes,

Or perhaps, do you think she saw the…oh never mind, my darling.

I don’t know what I did to give it away.

She took off her glasses, and snapped her fingers in my face,

She asked me, "Who is he, and what have you done to yourself?"



Most passionately,

This is as far as my subscription can go, my darling.

Anything more would be a terrible insult to those six years, would it not?

Mz. Sefa♥️